13. To love a man

I cannot say in all these years
That I exactly know
What part of it was caring
And when I let him go
And part of it was, yes,
Being at his beck and call
Pretending we were equal
Or letting him pretend

I cannot say in all these fears
That I can really know
How much of this is grieving
And have I let him go
And part of it was, yes,
The answer to a call
Pretending more than loving
Or letting him pretend

To love a man
Requires you change
He stays the same
You rearrange
To love a man
Defines your soul
You play a part
He is the whole
If you can fight it, fight it
But do not be surprised
If your love for that man, even that sweet man
Is ever compromised

And even now in all these tears
I doubt if I can know
What part of it was sharing
Or feeding his ego
And part of it was, yes,
The giving of it all
Pretending you don’t suffer
Or letting him pretend